Phone Dates

My mom and I have phone dates.

We talk often. Being that we are Jewish, she emails, calls, bbms and texts me at least once a day. If I do not respond within the hour, she uses all forms of communication to ask if I am alive (often cc'ing Eric). Since these daily conversations are only about 3 minutes, every few weeks we set up a "phone date."

This may not come as a surprise to people that really know me, but sometimes, I like to set an agenda before a call or dinner. Eric thinks this is the most ridiculous thing in the world but I think it's functional, sensible and efficient. It ensures that we cover all topics and we are in the conversation rather than thinking things like--- shit, remember to bring up dinner next Sunday.

After setting the agenda for the call---and it should be noted my mother’s one amendment to the agenda was to add the topic of eyebrows (she got them done for the first time and she likes them)---we began yapping.

We talked for a few hours. We laughed, we cried and her last comment was, as it always is, "sounds like you should move home." She likes to end all conversations like that. Sort of nice.

Clearly, I cannot let everyone in on everything we discussed but here are some of the highlights (aka the stuff Eric and I just laughed about for an hour).

Out of nowhere--

Mom: Do you always brush your teeth?

Me: YES. Why are you asking me that? What did Eric say to you?

Mom: Oh, nothing. Your dad just told me when I am out of town he takes a break from brushing his teeth. Since you two are so much alike, just wanted to make sure you brushing your teeth if no one is checking up on you.

Mom: Are you brushing your hair and wearing make-up everyday?

Me: Do you think I am a fucking recluse?

Mom: Alison, I just know you rush a lot and I think you need to take time to curl your hair and put on lipstick in the morning.


(Why do all moms think your life will change if you wear lipstick and curl your hair??? I am going to try to wear lipstick and curl my hair for a week and see what happens.)

One day, not that long ago, after reading some article about red lipstick, I wore it to work. Feeling like I had this dirty secret, I was acting very weird. I was meeting with Mr Bluth and I just blurted out-- "I am wearing lipstick today. I may act differently." He became uncomfortable. When Kev got to work, he was so excited that he asked if he could draw a picture of me so it could last longer. He did. It was not funny at all. At all.

Few minutes later....

Mom: No. You cannot get an MBA to look for a husband....unless of course work pays for it.


Few minutes later....

Mom: What if we pretended you were an alcoholic and you never drank again?

Me: Mom, I had 3 glasses of wine this week. Not sure that makes me an alcoholic. I drink 3x a month tops.
Mom: Yeah, let's still try this alcoholic route though.

Few minutes later....

Me: Dad is amazing, he keeps asking me to attach my blog to an email.

Mom: Oh, your father just learned how to open attachments on his blackberry. He keeps asking me to email him anything as an attachment.

Classic.