Debra Sue

My editor (obviously I have an editor) wanted me to broach the topic of my mother. I am a bit hesitant that this may not translate well since my mother is sane and thus, less comical. However, I work best with structure (says my paid friend) so I am going to list out my 8 favorite things about Debra Sue.

1. She thinks she is the "Funny Police." When the three of us (Eric, Nella and I ) laugh at something sophomoric (e.g, Farting sounds, Eric pretending to drive into an old person, my dad impersonating our dog - "Debby please clean my butthole, I just shit all over the front yard" - my mom actually says, "Stop laughing, that's not funny." What?!?

2. If you tell my mom bad news, she does not hear it. Like literally, my mom does not hear bad news. You know the styrofoam balls you used to create shoebox dioramas of the Solar System (or was that just me?) Anyway, my mom has one of those balls fixed around her head to protect her from all bad news seeping into her brain (naturally, its invisible) . Of course, I have tried to break this bubble but it is pretty much fixed to her head and it is incredibly durable.

The only story that reveals any clues as to where this ball may have come from is this--She wants to be a ballerina. At age eight her mother, who is a real charmer, said, "Debby, you cannot be a ballerina. There are no fat ballerinas.” I think this may have been the last thing to permeate through the rings of my mother’s head.

3. Recently, we were giggling at Target and she said to me, "You know what's so weird, I have been married longer than I know you." Yep, thanks mom, that's right. You got married to dad. You had Eric and then you had me.

4. She forwards me and Eric inspirational emails.

5. She forwards me and Amie rape warning emails.

6. She once forwarded me, Eric and Amie a PowerPoint on God. Yep, a PowerPoint on God. Yep, me, Eric and Amie had a conference call to discuss the PowerPoint on God.

7. She has amazing taste in shoes. We wear the same size shoe. She lets me take any pair of shoes I like.

8. My mom is the nicest person ever and you can pretty much convince her to do anything. For a few years, I wanted to be a performer ( I know big shocker). So I convinced her we needed to perform “You Don’t bring me Flowers” for Eric and my dad. Obviously she obliged AND she let me be Babs.