Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

A few weeks ago, I fell in love. Well, I did not really fall in love but I did like telling people I was in love...

My cousin Brianna was about to go to college for the first time. She had requested I spend the night in NJ and naturally, as soon as the sun went down she bolted to her friends, leaving me alone. Since J Date and I were still going strong, I signed on. Not but a few minutes went by that I got an IM (just like facebook for you non J daters) from a attractive man. Not just "J date attractive," but like, actually attractive. His first IM said "move home." Confused, I looked at his location...California. So I figured out that he read my profile which says, "a west coaster at heart." After a few witty exchanges, he said, why aren't there awesome, funny people like you in CA? Obviously I have a funny profile (I may or may not have had some help there) and over IM I am extra funny ---it’s not until you meet me in person that I am incredibly awkward.

Long story short, we chatted and chatted and chatted. We had so much in common! We have similar jobs, we know some of the same people….we just had this great, witty repartee . After our first "virtual" date, I was quite smitten. I even woke up smiling, like you do after a really awesome "in person" date.

So, this man, who we will call Stalone, and I continued to speak every day and every day, I liked him even more. You are probably thinking this is insane but if you really think about it, it’s sort of genius. We have a “date” and there is no trying on a million outfits, no obsessing about if I wear my hair up or down, no need to shave my legs and, best part is, I can leave whenever I want. On some level, virtually dating is absolutely brilliant.

Now, I LOVE having secret "relationships" but knowing this was weird, even for me, I thought I needed to tell someone. First, I told Kevin. Kevin usually endorses my questionable behavior so I felt pretty good about sharing this secret with him. I started to tell him all about this fledgling love and he was excited for me. Then, we hit a speed bump when he asked where I met him. When I told him I had never really met him, his smile grew bigger and bigger as he shook his head (which he does quite when I tell him stories), "Ali, you really outdid yourself on this one. Even though you once told me you can’t call crazy people crazy, this is crazy.” OUCH.

Naturally I decided to talk to some other people....

I told the story to Amie and Todd (my BFF and her radical husband) and their responses were priceless. Todd asked a billion questions and then told me it sounded just great (he is so sweet and naive it’s astounding) and then Amie (the more pragmatic of the two) encouraged me to actually meet this virtual man before wasting any time or at least talk to him on the phone. Yep. that's right. We talked for weeks over IM and NEVER talked on the phone. I liked to think I was a lady, playing hard to get.

But at last, after I felt it appropriate, I let Stalone hear my voice…we had a phone date.

You know what's remarkable, if there were 5000 men in a room (or online), I promise, I would meet eyes with the most emotionally fucked up one. Stalone, so sweet and romantic over IM, was a whole new person over the phone …can’t even imagine what he would be like in the flesh.

The next day, confused and disappointed, I called Amie. After telling her all about the traumatic experience, I asked, "What are the chances of falling for a guy who was a completely different person offline?" and you know what she said, "um, pretty high when you are meeting online. Please stop J Dating.” Me and J Date broke up …..again.