The Hand Holder

For the past week, Shrage has tried to convince me to see An Education with him almost every night. Obviously I love fucked up movies, but I saw the film awhile ago and, although it’s amazing, not something I want to see over and over again.  The movie, or more accurately my experience while seeing the movie, brought up something I have been cautious to write about. Shrage convinced me that enough time has passed and that I need to write about THE HAND HOLDER....

A few months ago I went on a date with a boy. This boy was cute, smart, well traveled, Jewish, blah, blah, blah. The first date was going swimmingly until something really odd happened--- as we walked out of the restaurant, he tried to hold my hand. Ummm, what?! When did hand holding on the first date become appropriate? Isn't hand holding after the age of 16 reserved for couples?!  In an attempt to reclaim my hand, I told him I was cold and wanted to jump in a cab. On the way home, I called my mom and told her about the date.  She said that if the hand holding was the only weird part, I was in good shape. 

For the 2nd date we went to dinner and a movie. I was starting to like him and trying to forget about the whole hand holding thing and then, as soon as the lights went down in the theater, I felt him reaching over for my hand. Obviously I started freaking out inside..... how can he like me enough to want to hold my hand?  Was he simply scared that I was going to leave him? In an attempt to subside my mini panic attack, I decided to try and channel Jess. I knew that Jess would think hand holding was a nice thing. So, I decided I would hold his hand for a few minutes and then pull away.  After a very long 10 minutes, I pulled my hand away from his and pretended to look for something in my purse. Not but 2 minutes later, I felt him fishing for my hand again. Ugh. For the rest of the movie, I felt like I was in a vicious game of capture Ali's hand. I tried lots of avoidance tactics- placing my hands under my legs, intertwining my own fingers in a prayer-like stance, but this kid was on a mission. To make matters worse, we were watching a movie about a creepy old man preying on a high school girl.  I know I am sensitive and all but wtf? How can you be all sweet and hand holding at a time like this?

When I brought up my concerns to friends and family, I could really see a divide. Kev, Katie and Amie totally agreed with me that it was weird, but most other people acted like I was crazy. Obviously Eric and Jess called me insane, but my dad was on the same page as me. He brought up some great points---- "If he can't stop holding your hand now, imagine what he'll do when he really likes you, I bet he tries to Velcro you onto himself.... He could have abandonment issues and....Maybe you should just get him a fake hand or bet yet, wear a hook and when he goes to grab it, he will learn a lesson...." My mom overheard our conversation, grabbed the phone, and told me that it wasn't that weird and that I need to give him at least one more shot. Since the woman is like 99% right, I agreed.

On our third date, I wore gloves---it was Amie's ingenious idea. Things were going well, gloves were brilliant and then, he asked if we could go to Bed & Bath. As much as I love Bed & Bath, pretty sure that place is reserved for serious couples. Again, trying the be "normal" I smiled and agreed. Obviously, I had to take off my gloves once we were inside. My hands were not out but 2 seconds when he went to grab them. This time, I could not keep my mouth shut…the things that spewed out of my mouth weren’t pretty. It wasn’t my finest moment. I knew I couldn’t go on when he tried to kiss me as we walked out of Bed & Bath.

Kurt Cobain

Naturally, my brother is incredibly weird. Like my dad, he has gone through lots of....let's call them "phases." He is almost like an actor taking on new parts every few years. So, I thought I would write about some of my favorites....

When I was about 10 (Eric = 12) my mom came into my room and asked for all of my markers. Obviously I loved coloring and had LOTS of markers. After collecting the markers, she threw them away and told me that they were banned from our house. Confused and sad, I asked why. She refused to answer but once my dad came home from work, it was all out in the open. Eric, a tough hoodlum, had taken up "tagging." He decided to mark up the bathroom in Hebrew school. Of course he denied it to my dad (my dad always encouraged us to be like Republicans and deny, deny, deny). Best line spewed across the house from my dad (trying so hard not to laugh)… “Eric, it’s hard to deny tagging the bathroom door when you write ERIC HELLMAN FOREVER.” 

The year Kurt Cobain died, Eric was 14. That year, Eric had become very “Seattle.” Of course he cried and cried (Eric cries a lot). I felt badly but that soon faded as his sadness turned to fear. He had to sleep in my room for 2 weeks. Naturally at 12, I tried to reason with him--- “Eric, you have control of killing yourself, what’s there to be scared about?” He called my insensitive and when I refused to let him “sleepover,” he resulted in guerilla warfare squirting soap all over my bed so I had to sleep in the extra room, which conveniently, he was already in.

Age 16 was a year filled with anger.  I’d like to blame it on hormones but that was probably not the culprit since Eric had facial hair at 11. Anyways, long story short, there was a tennis match and a racket and he may or may not have thrown at a coach. Being Jews in LA, the solution was sending Eric to a therapist (oddly named Eric).  I knew Eric (my brother, not the therapist) was feeling a bit shameful so I wanted to make him feel better. I asked my dad to take me to the mall. I searched for the perfect gift and I found it…a shirt that said—“I’m special” with a rainbow. I  was so proud of myself!  When I gave it to Eric, he started to cry and threw it at me… guess that was the wrong gift?

As an “adult” Eric went through a pimp stage. Now I cannot go into this phase since most of it was horrible but here are some highlights--- getting a pink Gucci bag in the mail with a note that said “love u lil sis,” being sent with Amie to London for a week and having Eric pay for it, getting flowers weekly. It was awesome to feel like a kept woman. I miss those days.....

Theme Songs/Videos

Think these videos capture my inner soul

Eric Scottman

Since my dad wrote a funny post, my brother felt he needed to write something as well. I sort of feel used but whatever Trevor....

From Eric Scottman (his name on his fake ID)

Here are some facts about my sister you may not know:

1- On her free time she likes to sit in her apartment alone and choreograph dances to miley cyrus and/or the cheetah girls. these dances include lots of shoulder shimmy's and at times the roger rabbit. She has filmed them on a few occassions but only the lucky people (amie and lizzie) are able to view.

2- She speaks vietnamese. One time she went with me to get our nails done and i look over to see how she is doing and sure enough she is going at it with Syu (my favorite nail technician) over which dumpling provides the least amount of weight watcher points. I was freaking out that 1- i had no clue she was still doing weight watchers and 2- she spoke vietnamese. She played it down and said that her and mr bluth sit in his office during slow times and get a rossetta stone lesson on a different language. that week just happened to be Vietnamese.

3- As children we would sit in the back seat of my parents car and name our unborn children. She would pick the obvious- Alison Jr. where as i would go for the more normal of names- Benjamina.

4- After seeing the movie Juno she tried to convince our little cousin Brianna (was then 16 years old) to get pregnant and have the baby.

5- If you ever get the joy of seeing her apartment try and look in every cabinet possible.....i guarentee you will find a nutrisystem meal almost everywhere. Her favorite is the Chicken picata.