An Email From My Dad

Today, I received the following email from my dad. It should also be noted that he sent it to me (both work and personal email) and cc'ed Eric and my mom.

Email---

Yesterday your mother and I returned home from a business trip in Las Vegas. We always fly Southwest. Great airline--no seating assignments, you get a number on your boarding pass and that’s how you board. Your mother and I got on the plane during the first 30 numbers. As always, I got the window seat and your mother got the aisle. It is understood that if someone wants the middle seat that your mother would move to the middle seat so I don’t have to sit next to a stranger. I don’t like strangers. I don’t play golf with strangers and I don’t talk to them. Everything looked good as far as the seats were going. No one wanted our middle seat and the plane door was about to close. I was free, an empty seat next to me...the world was great. I started to look out the window when, from out of nowhere, a blue Smurf, with a white face mask sat down in my middle seat. This thing was a smurf! It was wearing blue sweats and weighted over 200 pounds, and I’m being nice. To top it off, it was wearing a white face mask. I looked at your mother, she did not look back and for the next 40 minutes all I could think of PAPA Smurf and how you kids loved the show

The End

Wild Wild West

Going home for the weekend is always awesome. Not only did I get to bask in the sun, I shopped for professional clothing, hung out with my parents, saw Jeremy in leggings, learned tips from Jo Callas and hiked with Sands. Here are some highlights:


1. My mother and I went shopping. This whole recession thing is really a drag and killing my wardrobe. My options went from Barney’s and Neiman’s to Target and my mom’s closet. Anyways, every shopping trip with my mom goes something like this…..she picks black and gray pants and skirts and 100 versions of white button down shirts (I think she wants me to dress just like her). Then, when something doesn’t look good or fit, she tells me it’s because I am not tall enough. Not tall enough?? The skirt doesn’t go over my child bearing hips, what does height have to do with that? Maybe if I stayed at my current weight and gained 8 inches the skirt would work. No matter how much I protest, my mom continues to say it’s just my height….


2. My dad and I spend the day together. Day went like this:

• Breakfast at Arts
• Buy baseball hats. I pick up a Red Sox hat so he decides that he should get a Yankees hat so it looks like we are rivals
• Mani/pedis. Naturally, we walk in and everyone smiles and knows his name
• Go home, run on the treadmill while my dad keeps me company by watching the History Channel and quizzing me, eating candy and throwing Chaya's toys at me
• We go get my hair done. He watches and tells me he figured out the secret to Koji’s blow-outs…multiple round brushes.
• We get hot chocolate (note: my father is somewhat of a hot chocolate connoisseur.) One day when he was in the city, we had to try every single hot chocolate we passed from my office to my apartment. That’s over 40 blocks of hot chocolate.
• Perfume mission. My dad and I love shopping missions. This weekend, the mission was to determine if I needed a new scent so we went to Sephora and Bloomies to tested out a bunch of perfume. We liked two but he said they were not "me" --- I am not citrus, I am more rose and musk...hmmm.

3. When visiting with Jo Callas (my bestie from like 5 to college) at Tina’s Tree and Pumpkin , I kept noticing how lovely her make-up was… With this whole renewed version of myself, I figured I’d ask for some tips. So Jo gave me all the secrets. I did exactly what she said, hoping I will look just like her. See the similarity?

4. Friday night my dad, mom and I had dinner at home —bowls of cereal to off-set my newly acquired footwear. Then, as we all watched tv my dad says, “ I have a great idea, let’s all do masks!!” We go upstairs and my father is really bothered by the choices. Then, my mom remembers she has a hidden Ahava mask we got in Israel. My father happily applies gray mud all over his face and head. The directions say to keep on for 3 minutes. After the time is up, I ask my dad why he isn't washing it off. He tells me that he has a lot of toxins that need to be sucked out so he is going to keep it on for 20 minutes. 10 minutes later, my dad's face was completely hard and stiff. So classic.

Baseball Card Dating

For about a year I have been trying to convince Kevin that Baseball Card Dating is one of my most brilliant ideas. Here is my pitch (pun intended)…….

I create a series of collectible “Alison Baseball Cards.” Naturally we have a photo shoot filled with awesome poses (me between tree branches, resting my chin on my fist, sitting on a bookcase with my legs crossed and batting my eyelashes). The backs of these cards would have “Ali-Stats.” Obviously the stats would not include weight but rather the important things like:

- How I am silly and serious.
- Words that come out of my mouth often: "strategic;" "branding;" "platform;” & "rad.”
- TiVo changed my life.
- I think Gregory Peck is the sexiest man in the world (to make my collectors jealous).
- I have a blog and I am obsessed with it.
- My favorite movie is Pirates of the Caribbean—cause I love parrots!

Then, I would give stacks of “Alison Baseball Cards” to men that I trust. When these lucky men whom I have entrusted with my fate meet an eligible match, they hand a card to him. Then, this special man contacts me via email. And yes, I would create a vanity email. It would even have a link to this blog.

On a scale of 1 to Radical…how radical is that?

Reader's Choice

Kevin thinks I ought to increase my interaction with my readers so we have come up with reader's choice. Comment please...I can see you reading my blog, no need to play hard to get. What would you like to hear (more) about:

1. My Bat-Mitzvah
2. My lunch with Mr Bluth (read it and weep Kevin)
3. The effects of dressing professionally for two weeks
4. Baseball Card dating
5. My editor
6. Eric
7. My paid friend

ALLEN J.

It seems like my dad is a real hit. This is not huge shocker--- my dad is the funniest person in the world (although Scott is a close second). So, I thought I would give people some more details about Nella....I even have some guest bloggers for this one....

My top (recent) moments with my dad....

- He fell in love with some woman on DWTS and begged his friend to get him in the show

- My mom yelled at us for “shopping like maniacs,” and took away all our credit cards so we collected all the coins in our house (and on the bottom of her bags), brought them to coinstar and then went to the Polo Lounge for lunch

Molly (my dad’s office mate) shares her top favorites....

- His entire office is covered with Simpson bobbleheads and he has never watched the show

- I no longer read gossip blogs and mags because he fills me in on the latest gossip—he loves Page Six

- He gets really excited every Friday for “Friday pizza” extra large cheese, well done. I order- he pays.. works out great.

- Everyday he talks on the phone with Robbie (his bestie) and they gossip like little teenage girls

**Dad and Robbie at Amie's Bachelorette Party ( Yep, Amie wanted to spend the time with my dad)

His Mother (my radical Grandmother) says....

My favorite story about your father happened when he was about 8 years old. We had just moved into a new house in Charlotte, N.C. There was lot of construction (of houses) all around us.

One day your dad wanted to show me what he had done. He said, "Come to the back of the house." So, I went out with him, and he proudly showed me all the wood he had taken from a construction site. I told him that was stealing and he had to take the wood back to the workers.

The next day , I was taking the car out to do something and all the men were looking at me, pointing and laughing. I knew your father was behind it. So, when he came back from school I asked him what he told the men when he returned the wood. After a little bit of an argument, he told me the truth. Allen told all the workers that his mother was a kleptomaniac and he is always having to return things she steals.

Eric shares a few Nella moments.....

-When my grandfather died I was quite upset. I was having a hard time holding in my emotions. Alison and dad kept giving me dirty looks and calling me a baby. They even whispered “P*SSY” a few times. After a while, he just came behind me, put a pill in my hand and said, “Swallow this and shut up, you are upsetting your mother.” That’s a classic Nella moment

-There were 3 years where dad did not eat carbs, ran like a maniac and kept telling me and Ali to stop eating

- My all time fav memory is going to the gun range in the mountains where he was convinced that we were going to be killed so he had a gun on his waist band. FYI, I was 11

Jeremy...

Jeremy and I dated for 4 years. My dad loves Jeremy more than me and Eric combined. Whenever we see Jeremy he gets teary eyed and tells me that no one is as special as him. He also has a picture of us next to his bed. We have been broken up for 5 years now and he still gets upset about the break up. Real normal. Anyways, Jeremy and my dad would hang out every day after school—most of the time without me. His favorite memories:

- I like how your dad would go crazy about your mom never coming home for dinner.At 5:30 he would start calling her make sure she left. Of course he blamed it on me and said that dinner had to be early cause I had to go home and eat with my family at 7

- We all know your dad has beautiful calves ...was a bit weird how he talked about his calves as if they were sculptures he was working on

- I like when he actually thought something was funny, he'd laugh and then say, "that's funny"

- How weird was it that he always switched the names of your friends or just pretended that he didn't know them at all and they would freak out every time

- Watching the Food Network with him every day after school followed by watching him make dinner awhile telling me he was better than all the chefs

* My dad's favorite picture!

Lizzie (my 2nd best friend)...

- Walking into your living room and seeing your father wrapped in his blanket and telling me, "Look Liz, don't I look like I am a burrito"

- I was a freshman when Ali was a senior. He thought it was funny that all the boys looked at me. So one day, he just called it out and said, " Liz, just run across the living room so the boys could get a better look at my freshman butt"

- Each and every time I share a meal with the man at Arts

Attention Monster

I require a lot of attention. Like, A LOT of attention.

For years, I felt quite ashamed about this never-ending hunger for attention. I tried and tried to convince myself that I needed nothing and no one. Obviously that was just a waste of time. I basically live my life as though I am on stage and everyone around me is merely the audience. Kidding (not really). Recently, I have really come to accept my reality and I am at the verge of actually celebrating it.

Last week I commented to my paid friend-- “I know we worked hard on feeling less shameful for needing so much attention. I really do accept and acknowledge it but I feel like I can’t stop asking for it now. To what end paid friend, to what end?? I am nervous that I inadvertently have become an attention monster?!? When will I be full???” Then, of course, she told me that we need to work on this and eventually, getting (and not getting) attention will not affect my self esteem. A sphincter says what?!? I bet I wear a size 2 before that happens.

So, to follow in the footsteps of the great David Letterman, I am going to air out my dirty laundry and make a joke of it.

Below is a graph that charts out my self esteem based on attention I received today:

Home Alone

My mom is away at a work conference for 5 days. So, for 5 days my father is all alone. Well, he is not really alone since he has his best friend, Chaya. Chaya is our dog that my parents named after their favorite restaurant. Yeah, you read that correctly, we named our dog after a freaking restaurant.

When my mom first broke the news that she was leaving my dad, I panicked. Really? Is that a good idea? Once she left him home alone for 3 nights and whenever Eric and I called to “check in” he would be sleeping. He used this time to see if it was possible to sleep for 72 hours straight.

So, at 8 am PT I called home to make sure he was up. No answer. Called again and again…no answer. After freaking out and calling Eric, we finally located him…at work. Our dad went to work all by himself!

Naturally, I asked him about his upcoming plans. Here is what I learned---

• Last night he made enough spaghetti and meat sauce for the entire week
• He bought Chaya a rotisserie chicken at Gelson’s
• For lunches, he brought in a loaf of bread and salami (he is going to alternate between mayo and mustard for variety)
• He is planning on wearing the same sweater all week without a button down shirt to save on the dry cleaner bill
• Every morning he is going to have hot chocolate for breakfast with real milk and whip cream
• He cannot come home before dark because he owes the pool man money and needs my mom to pay him
• The pool man found the lights for the pool (we have lived in the same house for 15 years) so he is going to swim at night (note, my father likes to snorkel in our pool, flippers and all)
• He found a dead rat and wants to perform an autopsy like he sees on NCIS and then leave it on my mom’s side of the bed for a welcome home surprise
• He is still depressed and wants a Rangers hoodie and hat

P.S. He just emailed me, "I forgot to tell you but I did a “clay” mask last night."

My dad LOVES masks

RANKING

I am kind of obsessed with ranking and ordering everything.

When I am with siblings I always try to determine who I like better—and obviously, I tell them. When Katie introduces me to a new song (e.g., Miley Cyrus’ Party in the USA, Taylor Swift’s Love Story), I try to think about what Mr. Bluth will enjoy me singing more. If Lizzie tells me I am wearing a cute outfit, I automatically respond by asking her to compare it against all my other outfits—just in case I have a date soon. If Michelle says I look thin, I ask her if I looked thinner the day before. Also, I may or may not ask multiple people at work, who they like more, me or Kevin.

I am not quite sure how I became so "ranking" obsessed. One can argue this may just be a result of my competitive nature. Another, strong theory could be related to my father. Since I was about 10, he would ask me and Eric questions like-- "If your mom and I were on a cliff and in order to save one of us you'd have to drop the other, who would you save?" or " Who did you have the most fun with, me, your mom, your grandma or your friends?" Naturally my mom does not find this funny. Eric too dislikes these games. He has always been uncomfortable answering such questions but I’d venture to guess that's out of jealousy. See, my dad loves to tell everyone that he loves me more than Eric. In fact, whenever I go home and Eric does not, my dad will compulsively email him to tell him how happy he is to have his favorite child home. My fathers mother (my favorite) tends to rank things as well so I am thinking this may be in my blood.

Anyway, as my paid friend always says, we could think about why/how we do certain things forever but sometimes you have to just accept it. And yes, I ask her if I am her favorite friend who pays her. And yes, I ask quite often.

So, I have decided create some lists:

1. My 4 favorite people (non fam) whose names start or end with the letter "A"

- Amie: The ying to my yang. The peanut butter to my jelly. The Bert to my Ernie.

- Andrea : My non-paid life coach. My guru. My inspiration when purchasing sweaters.

- Daniela: Perhaps the only person I know who can feel, cry and laugh more than me. My 3rd best friend (after Amie and Lizzie, naturally)

- Melissa : The closest thing I have to an anchor (in a good way); My favorite person to dance and perform for**

2. Top 3 emails from my father this month:

- Hi Alison- Depression hurts. Where does depression hurt? Depression hurts everywhere. Depression hurts everyone. Can you steal some MSG swag for me? I would be less depressed if I were wearing a Knicks hat. Love your father (his full name and SSN were part of his signature)

- I like the post, “How Rude” the most. (Yep, that’s Amie's blog not mine)

- Can you attach your blog. Danny (his friend) said it was funny.

3. Top 5 Foods that I wish had “0” weight watchers points:

- Peanut M&Ms

- Sourdough bread

- Goat cheese

- Red Swedish fish

- Wheat thins

** Please note my editor is busy moving and Mel and I are not sure how to end this sentence without a preposition