Greek Yogurt

Throughout my life-long quest to have J.Lo’s body, I have tried quite a few diets including: Eating for your Blood Type, Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, 5Squares, The Zone, not dieting (never try this one) and going to a super expensive nutritionist. This super expensive nutritionist was my favorite. Now, in order to fully convey the power of this experience I will not only let you in on our super exciting conversation, I will let you into my head.

Ilana* (Nutritionist): Hey girlie. So nice to see you.
My Head: Who says "girlie" other than 13 year-old suburban teenagers?
My Voice: Hey you
My Head: Ugh, did I really just utter the words "Hey You"?
Ilana: Love love love the bag!
My Head: Why do all JAPPY girls feel the need to constantly repeat verbs? Ugh, is she motioning over to the scale.
Ilana: Well, you lost 0.2 lbs. That’s the right direction but let’s really explore why this is going so slow.
My Voice: Ok. Let me get my food diary and we can go over everything I ate over the past week.
Ilana: Now when you write almond butter on english muffin are we talking about a smear, a tablespoon, a few tablespoons, the container?
My Head: Yes, I put the entire fucking jar of almond butter on my english muffin.
Ilana: And the yogurt. Are you sure you’re buying the fat free container of Fage yogurt? I mean are you absolutely positive you are not "accidentally" getting the regular Fage?
My head: Did she just say accuse me of picking up the wrong fucking greek yogurt? Yeah, if I was going to "cheat," it would definitely be choosing the full fat carb-strained, disgusting, sour yogurt and not grabbing a handful of peanut M&Ms.
Ilana: I mean choosing the wrong Fage could equate to consuming 170 calories more day, 850 more a week, 5100 more a month. That’s a huge difference. That can make it or break it.

We broke up later that week.

*yep, that is her actual name