Part 1

This weekend was the big Franklin Lakes engagement party. Naturally, my parents and my grandmother flew out for the occasion. There is just so much material here that I am going to break it up by activity.

The weekend festivities began with dinner on Friday in the Time Warner Center. As family, we gravitate towards malls, even in the city. Within 10 minutes of sitting down, my dad said, "Alison, can you go to Sephora and buy me the lipstick you stole from me? Also, I need new moisturizer. I keep getting zits so I am thinking I need to try something organic or soy based." Yep, that's what he said word for word. His mother looked up and said, "Allen why are you wearing lipstick?" My mom interjected, "I think he means chapstick. Allen and Alison like the same chap stick." Note that the tube really is lipstick-like.

The company at dinner was perfect-- my bro’s BFF (Jon) that has been living on Eric and Jess’ couch (you can follow his shenanigans here www.twitter.com/hakakhasays), my grandma, Dad, Mom, Eric, me and Jess. Shrage could not make it since he was on a date with a girl named Alyson (with a y) at the Knicks game (um, yes you read that correctly). Anyways, the combination of people creates the most radical situation. Jess believes everything we say, Jon tries to convince my grandma that he is good enough for me to marry (he keeps asking her if he can date me and she keeps saying no way) and my Dad, Eric and I try to make each other laugh. Some of the dinner’s high points--


- My dad telling Eric and Jess that he wants his grandkids to call him Mr Hellman

- My grandmother telling us that as a young child she would take my dad to stores and sit him outside on the bench. When she came out, he would act like he did not know her and that she was crazy

- Jess telling me that I need to be less funny, nicer and quieter in order to get a boyfriend (note, there will be an entire post dedicated to this later)


- Jon asking for a black napkin, noting that if this was really a nice restaurant they would have already offered


- My mom whispering to my brother loud enough for me to hear that they should lie to me and tell me to get to his apartment 30 min before necessary so we would not be late for the party

An Email from My Dad

I think its only fair that I share an email from my dad each week, almost like the best of Nella...

Last night's email to me and Eric (my mom was cc'd)

Subject: Packing

As you know, Deb and I are on the 8:30 AM flight from LAX to beautiful EWR. Today, we went to see Koji (um, hair dude extraordinaire) and I left in pain and penniless. My back is so sore from all the massages I got from his three assistants (yep, Koji has three hair assistants who, for no reason, massage my dad's back while my mom and I get our hair done). l told them that after they were done, just like Dancing With The Stars, I was going to send the least talented contestant home. It was such a smart plan--each massage was better than the one before. I was very kind and told them they were all great and I could not kick anyone off but we all know that I was lying. The Spanish girl has to go. She has no style, and with all the cool Japanese men she just doesn't fit in (side note: my dad bought hot pink Adidas that he saw on TV to impress the cool Japanese men at Kojis...real normal).

The other issue with us leaving LA is Chaya (his dog). She spotted the luggage and is not happy. No tail wagging. No little smile and she is not even attacking the TV when the Aflac duck ad comes on ( Chaya, the worst behaved dog in the world, attempts to jump into the TV as soon as an animal appears on TV. Naturally, my dad likes it and laughs every time). It's really hard to leave her but she's a dog and they forget a lot and she gets us back by doing things like using the house as her personal toilet the night before we leave.

I have my clothes ready to go, which is funny because I wear the same thing every day when I come to New Jersey. The theme of this trip is Johnny Cash. I'm only bringing black clothes. This makes it extra easy-- I am bringing one black belt and one pair of black shoes that your mother thinks are brown. For some reason these "brown" shows are causing tempers to fly in this house. They REALLY are black but let's see what happens.

I can't wait to see you guys, it's been too long not seeing you (note, we saw each other 3 weeks ago)

Petra

I am having problems coming up with blog posts. Obviously I have an abundant amount of incredibly inappropriate ideas but since I am a professional, I cannot go there. Out of fear that I already blew my load, I turned to Eric.

Our exchanges went something like this…

Me: Can you write a post for me, I got nothing. And it has to be about me, not dad.

Eric: Come on, there is so much crazy in that head of yours. Have you talked about x or y (insert inappropriate ideas)

Me: Mr Bluth will get mad at me if I talk about x and mom said no one will date me if I talk about y.

Eric: Ok, let me write something tomorrow morning, I am like Emerson, I do my best work before the break of dawn.

And so, Eric sent me a post (which Katie had to edit, obvi)….

Two summers ago, we embarked on a family trip to Israel. It was nice to see the motherland and all but the one place I really loved was Jordan. While I was amazed by the art and the history of the place, Alison was focused on other things.

Our tour guide, Louie Louie (not making it up), spoke about how he met his wife. Apparently, when a man is ready to settle down, he summons his family together and declares, "I am ready to settle down and start a family now. Please find a woman I can do this with.” We were all intrigued and bothered by this unromantic way of life. Louie Louie even had his sister go and inspect his future wife’s, whom he had yet to meet, toilet and bathroom hygiene to make ensure she was not a pig.

While he was talking, I looked over at Alison and saw that something was a-brewing in that unicorn head of hers ( does everyone know that she was slammed into a wall as a child during summer camp and for many years she had something trying to break free from her forehead- a la unicorn head?!?).

After a few more days in Elat, we went back to NY. After we boarded the plane, and waited for take-off, Alison asked everyone to gather. The stewardesses must have thought something bad was happening…I mean a bunch of Jews standing around together and talking could ONLY mean bad things. But no. Alison, in her most serious tone, told us that she was ready to start a family and needed us to go find her a man. She even pulled me aside and said "..make sure his bathroom habits are clean and he knows how to cook a mean brisket."

Alison has been on numerous dates since -- homosexuals with mustaches (not that there is anything wrong with that), perpetual hand holders, hipsters who think not showering is the new cool, and many others. She still hasn't found the one which she likes to blame me for. I love it when she threatens me too. I love my sister. I have been telling her to go out to non-threatening places like church, temple, mosques, Barnes and Noble, Biscuits and Bath and many other places but she still is depending on me to find her the catch. To this day when we discuss her dating life she will say "it’s been over a year since we had the family gathering on the plane and you still haven't delivered." Who wouldn't love my sister….she is special!

Bat Mitzvah

Sometimes, pictures tell the best story. So.... these are some highlights from my Bat Mitzvah with some commentary. Yes, my nose may be a bit smaller now, but that's because I had a deviated septum. And yes, my hair was brown.








Below is a picture of me, Ree and David. I was in love with David. Notice the excitement radiating from my face....it was LOOOOOOVE. He was from Long Island. Now being from LA, and not knowing about NY culture, I thought Long Island was some tropical, mystical area....then I went to GWU and learned otherwise.
Yep, me and Nella. Yep, he has a mustache.

Nella and his mother, my favorite, Grandma Doris. I love this woman. She wears limited edition sneakers, blasts opera music in her house and does yoga every week....'nuff said.

Classic. Look at all that metal...looks like we are laughing about something....I bet he farted.


Please note the sheath dress. I only wanted a sheath dress. Apparently, I was difficult at this time. My requests were the following:

1. If we had it at a hotel, I only wanted it at a Sheraton or Hilton (so radical that I was already brand conscious)
2. No theme, naturally the party was the theme 
3. No make-up or fancy hair ( my mom and I settled on letting her brush my hair and putting on mascara)
4. All Sunflowers. So my dad and mom hate sunflowers...ummm, they think sunflowers are like 2nd rate flowers.....looks like I won!

Look at my mom. How cute is she?!? Seriously. She is sooooo adorable!!

An Email From My Dad

Today, I received the following email from my dad. It should also be noted that he sent it to me (both work and personal email) and cc'ed Eric and my mom.

Email---

Yesterday your mother and I returned home from a business trip in Las Vegas. We always fly Southwest. Great airline--no seating assignments, you get a number on your boarding pass and that’s how you board. Your mother and I got on the plane during the first 30 numbers. As always, I got the window seat and your mother got the aisle. It is understood that if someone wants the middle seat that your mother would move to the middle seat so I don’t have to sit next to a stranger. I don’t like strangers. I don’t play golf with strangers and I don’t talk to them. Everything looked good as far as the seats were going. No one wanted our middle seat and the plane door was about to close. I was free, an empty seat next to me...the world was great. I started to look out the window when, from out of nowhere, a blue Smurf, with a white face mask sat down in my middle seat. This thing was a smurf! It was wearing blue sweats and weighted over 200 pounds, and I’m being nice. To top it off, it was wearing a white face mask. I looked at your mother, she did not look back and for the next 40 minutes all I could think of PAPA Smurf and how you kids loved the show

The End

Wild Wild West

Going home for the weekend is always awesome. Not only did I get to bask in the sun, I shopped for professional clothing, hung out with my parents, saw Jeremy in leggings, learned tips from Jo Callas and hiked with Sands. Here are some highlights:


1. My mother and I went shopping. This whole recession thing is really a drag and killing my wardrobe. My options went from Barney’s and Neiman’s to Target and my mom’s closet. Anyways, every shopping trip with my mom goes something like this…..she picks black and gray pants and skirts and 100 versions of white button down shirts (I think she wants me to dress just like her). Then, when something doesn’t look good or fit, she tells me it’s because I am not tall enough. Not tall enough?? The skirt doesn’t go over my child bearing hips, what does height have to do with that? Maybe if I stayed at my current weight and gained 8 inches the skirt would work. No matter how much I protest, my mom continues to say it’s just my height….


2. My dad and I spend the day together. Day went like this:

• Breakfast at Arts
• Buy baseball hats. I pick up a Red Sox hat so he decides that he should get a Yankees hat so it looks like we are rivals
• Mani/pedis. Naturally, we walk in and everyone smiles and knows his name
• Go home, run on the treadmill while my dad keeps me company by watching the History Channel and quizzing me, eating candy and throwing Chaya's toys at me
• We go get my hair done. He watches and tells me he figured out the secret to Koji’s blow-outs…multiple round brushes.
• We get hot chocolate (note: my father is somewhat of a hot chocolate connoisseur.) One day when he was in the city, we had to try every single hot chocolate we passed from my office to my apartment. That’s over 40 blocks of hot chocolate.
• Perfume mission. My dad and I love shopping missions. This weekend, the mission was to determine if I needed a new scent so we went to Sephora and Bloomies to tested out a bunch of perfume. We liked two but he said they were not "me" --- I am not citrus, I am more rose and musk...hmmm.

3. When visiting with Jo Callas (my bestie from like 5 to college) at Tina’s Tree and Pumpkin , I kept noticing how lovely her make-up was… With this whole renewed version of myself, I figured I’d ask for some tips. So Jo gave me all the secrets. I did exactly what she said, hoping I will look just like her. See the similarity?

4. Friday night my dad, mom and I had dinner at home —bowls of cereal to off-set my newly acquired footwear. Then, as we all watched tv my dad says, “ I have a great idea, let’s all do masks!!” We go upstairs and my father is really bothered by the choices. Then, my mom remembers she has a hidden Ahava mask we got in Israel. My father happily applies gray mud all over his face and head. The directions say to keep on for 3 minutes. After the time is up, I ask my dad why he isn't washing it off. He tells me that he has a lot of toxins that need to be sucked out so he is going to keep it on for 20 minutes. 10 minutes later, my dad's face was completely hard and stiff. So classic.

Baseball Card Dating

For about a year I have been trying to convince Kevin that Baseball Card Dating is one of my most brilliant ideas. Here is my pitch (pun intended)…….

I create a series of collectible “Alison Baseball Cards.” Naturally we have a photo shoot filled with awesome poses (me between tree branches, resting my chin on my fist, sitting on a bookcase with my legs crossed and batting my eyelashes). The backs of these cards would have “Ali-Stats.” Obviously the stats would not include weight but rather the important things like:

- How I am silly and serious.
- Words that come out of my mouth often: "strategic;" "branding;" "platform;” & "rad.”
- TiVo changed my life.
- I think Gregory Peck is the sexiest man in the world (to make my collectors jealous).
- I have a blog and I am obsessed with it.
- My favorite movie is Pirates of the Caribbean—cause I love parrots!

Then, I would give stacks of “Alison Baseball Cards” to men that I trust. When these lucky men whom I have entrusted with my fate meet an eligible match, they hand a card to him. Then, this special man contacts me via email. And yes, I would create a vanity email. It would even have a link to this blog.

On a scale of 1 to Radical…how radical is that?